So little means so much

No matter what passes me by, whether it's pavement roads or clusters of neighborhoods or shopping malls, there will always be that movie and in that movie, there will always be that song and in that song, I will always find you.

No, I don't speak French but I know how to google translations for music
and it was in that translation that I found pieces of you
pieces of you that I've been trying to put back together but the thing is,
people just don't work like that.

All I can see and hear when it plays in my ears is us and then you and her and then the midnight sky over my head that night when, for the first time in my existence (which isn't too long of a time but it's my forever) things were right in my world that's just so wrong

I hate that we can dream and believe and wish and hope but, no matter how hard we try, we can't live in our dreams. Life is too big and complicated and difficult to let us live in our dreams.

I'm a dreamer and as much as I hate admitting it, my posts make me sound like words on a page and not a story or a person or something that could live on in memories.


The truth is, I suck at expressing myself and the words I put together don't say enough or they don't express exactly what I'm trying to get at.
Words are like that.
It just occurred to me that as great as leaving things unsaid is, sometimes it's better to voice the unidentified chaos in your mind, even if it's not poetic or if it's confusing.

I've finally accepted that it's okay to go on tangents because the purpose of this blog isn't for the words and phrases to make sense, the purpose is to make sense of them.
Hopefully that made as much sense to you as it does it me.

Is it stupid that right now, all I want to do is let you know that I really am a living, breathing human being ?

I'm someone that's covered in scars that you can't see, someone who believes that love isn't something you see or hear, love is something you feel and something that can't be bound by the word that people use to express it. Love is something so misunderstood because it can't be described or contained, it's something you feel grip your heart and your mind and your body so tightly that there's no denying it. Love is something you feel so deeply within yourself that you can't pretend it doesn't exist.
People say the opposite of love is hate, but that's a lie.
The opposite of love is emptiness.

I'm someone who believes that the word 'love' is overused and not good enough, someone who feels too much towards people who don't want my emotions and someone who doesn't feel enough for those who do.

I can't get enough sleep even though I'm exhausted and that's probably because my mind is wide awake and slowly killing me while the only thing my body wants to do is take a break.


It's disappointing that all my mind does while it's awake is romanticize some moments while poisoning others.

I wish I got more than I have. (Which people say is a lot but that's because they don't understand, all they see is what's swimming on the surface rather than the monsters that lurk below the water)

I wish I lived within your arms
or with your head on top of my shoulder as we let ourselves talk until we started to fall asleep
or underneath those fireworks as they exploded overhead
or at the dinner table when you brought up the fact that I'd told you about the three different kinds of cacao beans.

I want to remain on that car ride when I couldn't care less and all you could do was struggle not to laugh at me. I want to live in that moment when your hand brushed mine, but instead of holding it, you linked arms with me.
I wish that standing on my porch when I was jingling my keys without actually jingling my keys, you would've gone 90% so I could've gone the final 10%.
But the thing I can't figure out is why you didn't.
I can't figure out why the last words we said that night were the words that we said.

I can't let go of that moment.

When the part of me that was still awake decided that twenty minutes was too long to wait.
I stood there, disappointed and those stone buildings inside me slowly started to crumble, even though they didn't know why. I let out a breath in that air that was probably warm with the light that had existed just before. I looked at you and I knew that you were real and I was real and so was this moment. I knew that it wasn't fake and that your hug may have been the only way you could say what you wanted to say. But the walls crumbled anyway and I breathed out and then I said to you,
"I'm sorry I'm not good enough."

I was trying to express the chaos that existed in my heart and in my soul. I tried to tell you that for so long, I wished I was her so that we could finally be an us. I wished that I was the girl that you actually wanted to be with.
I wished that I was good enough to kiss.

and then you said,
"You are good enough." and I looked in your eyes and knew that you meant it. You felt it. It was your truth. But you didn't understand that I was trying to tell you that no matter how much you believed it, as I jingled my keys on the porch with my shiny white dress and my eyes full to the brim of memories and truth, my good enough wasn't your good enough. I didn't feel like I was good enough for you in the way that I wanted to be and I think that's a lot different than how you felt that night.

So I said,
"We can pretend."
and you said,
"I'm not pretending." and I knew you were telling the truth again. I could feel your honesty but more than anything, I just wanted you to hold me close again. I wanted you to tell me that when I woke up tomorrow, even if I was broken, you'd be there to keep holding me. I wanted you to tell me that I was what you wanted.
Yes. That's it.
I wanted to be what you wanted.

But instead of telling you that,
instead of expressing myself,
the honesty in my eyes shined brighter than the stars and the moon and I said,
"I am." and then I walked inside of my house through that door that's always made me feel so big and so small at the same time.



I don't even know why I'm writing this down.
But I think it might be because my heart is bleeding all over the floor and it doesn't show any sign of stopping.




I wish you knew that I remembered, though.

I wish you knew that in that moment, I was so full of love and so empty that I couldn't take it and I didn't know what to say.

I wish you didn't leave

I wish that you'd kissed me