I'm a Member of the Undead

My thoughts aren't articulate enough to form decent sentences, despite the fact that I've been trying to speak your language for at least four hours now.

This post isn't likely to contain everything I want to say, but that's something I suppose I'll eventually learn to accept. After all, my mind is always whirring and it won't be long until I fall asleep.

Yesterday I made an important, essential discovery.

I'm not scared of dying anymore.

It used to be something I feared, but when I looked it dead in the eyes, I turned around and made waffles instead.

Maybe that's because I'm already dead.

If a doctor were to tell me to rate my pain, I'd tell him there wasn't a number, either because I'm so dead I can't feel it anymore, or it's so painful that to feel it all at once would probably kill me.

As horrible as those options sound, the latter sounds so much worse because that means that the pain will eventually return and it'll arrive with a vengeance.

It took a bite out of me and it liked the taste so it came back for more.

I keep wondering what makes me human. There's not much left of me. I've disconnected to the point that what I am is only a shadow. The world rolls by and I wait to experience anything but the nothingness, but that isn't written in my blueprints.

Every time I open my eyes, I wonder whether it'll be the doctors or engineers that'll fix me today. Whether they'll keep my organs working despite my stilled heart that can't beat right and breaks in all the wrong places or if they'll replace all the things that aren't cooperating with more spare parts.

Whether they'll let me live or allow me to survive.

Whether I'll be stuck following protocol or whether I'll be someone I'm not.

Why won't they just let me die?

Survival is the one thing they've counting on. It's the one thing they'll always provide for.

Dying isn't a concept they understand. 

They can grasp the idea of exhaustion or pain, but they don't get the idea that you can be dead and breathing at the same time. 

I feel as if I'm drowning on land.

Like I'm trapped in a glass dome full of fog.

I'm a corpse that can still perform the basic functions of a living thing.

I finally know the difference between living and surviving.

Surviving is having a functioning body.

Living is the ability to become more than the body you've inhabited.