One where, I wrote up an incredible draft for a blog post at one in the morning but it wasn't finished. One where I reread that same exact post and it felt off, so I edited it and started writing more
One where words were pretty but when I tried to force them to be beautiful, they weren't.
and now here we are and I've run out of beautiful words to write.
Looking back, it's funny how my idea of love used to be a main theme here and now it's not anymore.
It's even funnier that I'm surprised at how I ended up.
Surprise, surprise.
You can hear the same words for years and never understand them.
I'm relapsing into the old habits of 2011-2012.
The ones I never told anyone about and I locked inside myself because they're a source of shame, a sharpened sword I'm not willing to give anyone because they've all used the others weapons I gave them against them. I armed them with weapons to defend themselves against the world, not against myself, but sometimes they might look like the same thing.
Here's your reminder.
I'm not the world.
I was never your enemy.
For a long time, I thought it was wrong to like things about myself. I thought it was rude of me to say I liked the way I looked or I liked the way I can make myself small but not in a bad way or that sometimes I thought of myself as a good person.
That way of thinking is disgusting but even now, it's a problem.
It's because that's what I've been taught.
That it's wrong to like who I am.
It's wrong to want things, it's wrong to think I look beautiful and it's wrong to believe I'm a good person.
That's probably why I suck at dancing.
No, I'm not a mistake wrapped in good intentions.
I'm good intentions wrapped in mistakes and covered in scars and cuts.
There's this saying that a close friend told me once about how there are things that create and things that destroy but things that destroy never create and things that create never destroy.
For a while, I understood why something that could only destroy would want to create.
But I didn't realize until recently that I'm something that can only create but for the last month, I've been trying to destroy.
Someone I know is leaving and it's a good and bad thing, not to mention a metaphor.
I want to write each of you letters explaining everything but I don't know how.
All I know is, I want to tell you who I am now and what I think of you and what I want and why the last month happened.
I want to get down on my knees, but the problem is, I know that when I'm on my knees it'll just make it easier for you to cut me to pieces.
KS-
There's explanations and excuses and histories and mistakes and details details details
but the fact of the matter is
You promised you'd be there for me and you told me you cared about me but you weren't and you don't
So stop telling me that you do.
The thing is
-you tell me you do
-you don't
because...
-if you did, you wouldn't have done what you did.
no excuses. no details. no explanations. you did what you did and you continued.
That's the fact of the matter.
and although I don't care about your new relationship, I do care about what you did.
So please stop taking advantage of me and telling me you care.
Because guess what, you're lying to yourself and to me and to everyone else you tell.
You don't care about me, darling, and that's okay.
I'm just another brick in the wall, another human being that shared memories with you and someone you miss having the company of, but you don't care about me.
#1 reason why you shouldn't be my friend:
I'm going to ask something of you that you cannot do.
Of course, I won't ask it of you at the beginning.
But it's bound to happen.
I'm going to ask you to make a decision between two things you love and chances are, you'll choose the option that hurts me more.
The thing is, I don't mean to do this, but it happens.
Things tend to come down to me or the thing you love the most and you will always pick what you love the most over me.
(Past things chosen over me:
-Relationships
-Intimacy
-Effort)
But that's okay.
I don't mean to whine or complain or bring up rough history. That's not what my intentions are.
I just thought I'd warn you in advance because history tends to repeat itself
and warriors don't show their hearts until the axe reveals it
Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it
"Good people are like candles; they burn themselves up to give others light."
"The thing is: if you're cold, you hurt people. If you're sensitive, they hurt you."
The scariest thing about distance is people either:
-forget you
or
-miss you
E/S-
"Don't rely on someone loving you to make you feel whole."
I'm running out of things to change into and sometimes I clench my fists tight because I'd give everything to change anything, to change myself so the result would be different
but there's nothing left to change into.
We're not friends, we're strangers with a history
~
When you left, you smashed my innocence like glass.
You were breaking me slowly, taking your time at the beginning.
But then you took a sledgehammer to it.
and when you left,
you took the person I was before with you.
I told you I'd never forget you and I won't;
I'll tell the story of how it used to be
and what you did
until I'm long gone
You never changed,
I finally saw what you were.
E/S -
I'm finally ready to talk to you.
I hope you're happy
When I say that, I don't think you get it.
Despise
everything, I still care about your happiness.
Even though I shouldn't.
and that's after everything.
I'm sorry, I can't stay friends with you
I would've told you in person but whenever it's discussed in person, I can't get up the guts to say it.
I don't have the strength to be solid in my decisions when I'm around you.
and I realized that despite the fact that I love who I am when I'm around you,
all it does is make everything worse for everyone.
you're manipulative.
sorry.
but you are.
even though you don't mean to be.
Now, I need you understand something.
You lie to me (I mean, that's if you have time)
You go behind my back
You spit on our relationship
all while I'm bending over backwards to see you as you were
but you're not.
you were never who I thought you were.
and that sucks.
I can't be friends with someone who doesn't care about me
and who only wants to use me.
HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, remember?
I'm not willing to watch my murderer make friends with my corpse and go about as if they're a normal human being. I will not tolerate pretending it never happened.
We cannot be friends.
I can be in the same room as you.
I can make small talk.
But I will lie to you. I will have a short fuse with you. And I will not tolerate the games that you play.
You will not use me any longer.
You will not steal away everything I care about.
I had to cut out the disease and infection so I cut out my heart and sliced myself in half.
I hate the idea that people read this just to check up on my human condition. To see if my machinery is still functional. (99% machine, 1% human)
WANTED : AN HONEST RELATIONSHIP
I've given up on this idea of love I've heard so much about.
It's impossible. The idea that caring for someone unconditionally is mutual.
The idea that with a single look, you can see into someone's soul.
So.. I've pretty much given up on it all.
The only way I'm getting out of here alive is by becoming the very things that disgusted me.
Fake. Willing to lie. A pretender. Dominant. Self-Reliant.
But that's how the game has to be played.
Because life doesn't let anyone leave innocent and unscathed.
Welcome to the Corkboard.
We hope you enjoyed your visit
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